There are times when I miss being able to send a significant other to kill a spider or a cockroach. First of all, they never show up in the daytime when you are wide awake and ready to take on the world. They always show up as your eyes have closed for the night, and you’re dreaming of something lustful or something. Then the screaming commences from your kid’s room.
It’s in those moments that I don’t want to be an independent woman anymore. I want to hide behind someone else…anyone else and allow them to take care of my problems. I want to turn my head on what’s happening and just come back when it’s all over. “Is it dead yet?” That’s what I used to ask my ex-husband. He would take care of it whether he wanted to or not. But those benefits still came with some disadvantages too.
I love being in the arms of a special someone. I love allowing him to place his hand on the small of my back and guide me across the street. I like holding his hand when we go places. I like feeling protected. Of course, if he’s not there I walk in with confidence everywhere I go. I know how to take care of myself and I do a great job. However, there are days when I just don’t feel like it!
I still have to put my brave face on and kill whatever has made its way into the house. I’m just as afraid as I’ve ever been. I’m uncomfortable with spiders and anything else with more than 4 legs. A lot of the time I’m afraid of anything with more than 2 legs. It’s really ridiculous honestly. I’m sure I was taught to be afraid from some other person…most likely my mother or sister or some other female who set the precedent for me.
Despite my fear, I put my brave face on, got out of the bed, grabbed the bug spray and killed it. I fussed about it being in the house, made plans for the fall fumigation and went back to bed. There was one problem… I couldnt find it after I sprayed it. It got away, fell off the wall into the abyss of my child’s clutter under her desk and I wasn’t pulling that crap out at 11pm at night. I was tired. I’d been up since 5am and had to get back up again tomorrow at 5am.
I went to bed. She decided to sleep in the living room with her stuffed animal and I was ok with that. But 53 minutes later after I entered REM for the second time, there was another scream. I kept thinking that I must be dreaming…but no. Same bug, staggering back up the wall refusing to die and now I had to kill him again.
I must have emptied half a can of Raid on him this time. My jaw was clenched tight and I put my brave face on and got it done.
Facing insects should not be a scary thing. It’s the 2-legged bugs that do the most damage. Sometimes, they’re here for you and the next time they aren’t. Making excuses about work that just keep us in a steady state of disappointment. Making plans that never come to fruition. It hurts. Do I have to become like that bug on the wall to get some attention? Do I have to be a nuisance in order to be the center of his world?
Maybe I just need to face the fact that this coupling up stuff ain’t for everybody. There are great benefits on both sides of it. On one hand, I make all my decisions without having a board meeting. I gather the information, pray about it, receive the answer and move forward. On the other hand, you discuss with your sweetheart, possibly argue on who’s right and eventually one person gives in and you move forward together. Everyone doesn’t get what they want necessarily but as a couple you decide on who does what and how as a team. In exchange, I guess I don’t have to kill bugs.
Where’s the spray? I think I’m good.
Just keeping it Cristaclear…goodnight