Doubt is necessary

Doubt is necessary

I often hear people doubting themselves about one thing or another.  They don’t try because they don’t believe they’ll be successful. The odds are against the success of the project so we don’t make the attempt at all. They are afraid. They worry about what people will think of them. They give up or give in.  I’m just as guilty as anyone else.  I’ve tried to lose weight over and over with various successes and failures.  There are days when I just say forget the whole thing. I am what I am.  But as I get older and health concerns come to the fore front, I realize I have to keep trying.  I have to use doubt as a jump off point to get moving. 

I’m angry.  Pissed off (sorry mom- I know you don’t like it when I talk like that). But I want my life to be different.  I want to be healthy.  I want to be strong.  I don’t want to rub my knees in the morning when its time to get up.  I don’t want to lay in the bed a few additional minutes each morning to allow my muscles a chance to know what’s coming. I want to spring out of the bed like a young person. I don’t want to schedule my day around taking medicines. It just seems so unfair.

Every time I get a new medicine, I find out later that this medicine is connected to...everything!  Kidney failure, pneumonia, sore throats, cancer and death.  Death!  I realize that in order to go forward in medicine we try different things and sometimes the things that we try have caused death….  I’m only writing these things down because I feel like a hamster in a wheel.  Turning, moving, doing and going nowhere.

Doubt is right there.  Staring at me. Laughing at me. Believing that he’s won. He’s leaned over to his friends and said, “watch her fail.” But I have resilience on my side. Faith on my side. Courage on my side. Determination on my side.  I suppose that if doubt didn’t exist, I wouldn’t question anything. I’d just go forward like a toddler who’s never walked.  Fearless and excited for things to come.  Looking at what I want that’s ahead of me. Not concerned about falling. But still rising after the fall. Not always waiting for the fall to happen but going forward knowing that I may fall but my desire to keep going is stronger than my desire to stay here. I have to keep trying.  Doubt makes success all the sweeter!

There have been many days when I’ve wanted to give up.  I imagine you have them too. Despite everything else.  I’ve decided to try again. Not because its possible that I may fail but its possible that I may succeed.  I may meet my goal.  I’ll reassess and start again if I don’t.  I’ll keep my eyes on the goal and be ok with the fact that I will more than likely fall again but doubt won’t stop me.

Romans 8:37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

Christ is clear!